Merchandising is a weird thing. I understand something like The Hunger Games where it’s so popular and you have such a large teen audience that you might as well slap the logo on everything. Or The Simpsons where of course you have mugs, pencil cases, t-shirts, chess sets – anything and everything you can buy, you can pretty much buy a Simpsons branded item of it.
Is there really that many people out there, who love Roulette so much they would buy everything they can related to Roulette? I love Roulette, and I can’t even fathom owning most of the items on this list:
#1: Shot Glass Roulette
I guess this is a drinking game. It’s advertised as “A fun way to get the party started”. Really? This is a fun way to get a party started? Here’s a fun way to get a party started: “Dude, here’s a shot.” There, that’s all that’s needed to get a party going. Not “Dude, here’s 16 shots. I need everyone to pick one shot glass then we will spin this wheel and see what number comes up, and then that person has a shot. Then we’ll do that 15 more times.”
#2: Roulette Cufflinks
Because nothing says class like Silver Roulette Wheel cufflinks. Don’t worry though – it also comes with a FREE gift bag. The best usage for that gift bag? Sticking your head inside it and smothering yourself for actually considering wearing these atrocities.
#3: Roulette Keychain
I actually don’t hate the idea of this one. People do seem to throw junk on their keychains. I’ve got a “Thundercats” logo on mine. Who am I to say there’s anything wrong with a miniature roulette wheel attached to your key chain?
Here’s that problem: this is NOT a miniature roulette wheel. This is a freaking PICTURE of a roulette wheel. That’s all it is. You’ve seen keychains where people have pictures of their kids? That’s what this is – EXCEPT IT’S A PICTURE OF A ROULETTE WHEEL.
If you own this, please stop reading this post and head immediately your local Gamblers Anonymous office. Thanks.
#4: Roulette T-Shirt
I own a lot of random t-shirts. I own some pop culture t-shirts, and I own a t-shirt with a picture of Lionel Richie, and the words “Hello….is it me you’re looking for?”.
But I would never ever ever wear something like this. If you’re going to a casino with a t-shirt like this, just get one with the word “SUCKER” written on it instead. Because that’s all the casino sees you as.
#5: Roulette Watch
Okay I have a confession to make – I actually WANT this bad boy.
I don’t know what it is – it’s tacky as hell; but I LOVE the little Roulette wheel outline. You know what would be even more sick? If instead of the second hand, there was just a little ball that moved instead.
Now every time I look at my G-Shock, I’m going to be sad there’s no Roulette Wheel on the outside of it.
#6: Roulette Belt Buckle
I love the lack of effort that’s went into this one. Okay let’s put a roulette wheel on the outside of a belt buckle. Okay great – now what? Well how about inside of it we have a random big star and some lines? PERFECT! Roulette fans worldwide will be sure to purchase that.
If you are using this roulette wheel belt buckle, please use said belt to hang yourself. Thanks.
#7: Roulette Earrings
I guess I can see the CONCEPT of this one – some roulette wheels dangling from your ear. It’s different. It’s not GOOD – but at least it’s different.
But the execution? My gosh. Instead of actual roulette wheels it’s like a white circular object, with a horribly drawn roulette caricature on it.
Perfect for a night out at an ironic party I guess.
#8: Roulette Betty Boop Button
I….I…..I just don’t even know.
#9: Roulette Light Switch Cover
A Roulette Light Switch Cover is bad enough – but this one is ADVERTISED as a light switch cover, yet is actually a 2 plug outlet cover. Amazing. That – or these are for the light switches in Andre the Giants house.
My wife has always wanted me to get one of those apps set up so I can turn the lights on and off in the house via my phone. If we had this atrocity as a light switch cover I’d probably do that just so I never have to look at my light switch again!
#10: Roulette Sexy Costume:
Wow. Just wow. Who doesn’t want to spice things up in their bedroom? But man, sexy nurses costumes are so boring these days. Same with French maid costumes. Thankfully now you can get your wife or girlfriend a SEXY ROULETTE DEALER COSTUME and make lots of funny innuendos like “huhuh don’t bet on black” or “all bets can’t be off – I’m not close to finishing yet”.
But wait – there’s more. This isn’t just an atrocity – this is an atrocity that LIGHTS UP.
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